I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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