I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
