dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
