You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
