Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
