Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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