I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
