I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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