no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
