When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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