u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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