Michael Bay diarrhea
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
