Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I don't think brook has ever known best
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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