The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
