I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The air taste purple.
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