I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
