i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
