I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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