I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
