I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
