He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
