She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
