just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
