Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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