I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i now understand why vodka
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You ruined the universe
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
