if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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