I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
