why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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