OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
