We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
