A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
