Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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