omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
