update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
