I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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