you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
