dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
