I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
