Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
