My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
