You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
