Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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