C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
