This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
