Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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