my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
