She is in my trunk
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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