My friends, they love my intelligence
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
