i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
