I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
