The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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