I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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