I cockslap morals
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
