Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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