My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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