After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize