my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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