Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
