hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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