For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
