I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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