I think scott just propositioned me for sex
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just high enough for therapy.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
