my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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