Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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