I can't breathe out the right side of my face
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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