So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
